March 15th 2018

March 15^th blog

I have started to create a new video, the idea is this:

I would like to create an experimental film as a response to my video History as Personal Memory that would be played right next to this film (Jean Marie and I discussed that this will be decided once the second film is finished. I only mention this because I am currently not focussing on the sound of the second video). I would like to experiment with overlaying images of Berlin, current and historic, my own memories and German collective memory and mix them with film images from my childhood which I am currently putting on digital film. I am currently viewing and editing 4 hours of old film material, by a friend of my family to see if I can find some images of myself in my childhood.

One further element in this video would be text quotes by Foucault which I will be writing on actual 16 mm film material during my video course. Then I would film my projected text and put those images of the projected text on top of the images of my film. I will hopefully be able to do that projection with a 16mm projector onto a green screen during the next two weeks in my video course. This new video would be strictly showing images in a fast speed and using overlay and maybe other technical possibilities which I am about to figure out currently…….

Other material I have found in archives (and are public domain) are, for example, images of bombardments of the London Blitz, Nazi rallies, images of high ranking Nazis at the Nuremberg Trial, Dresden, historic material of Berlin of the 1920s. Here is a first minute, just go give you an idea: https://vimeo.com/259068120 password it ti18

In my video class we have been analyzing videos by artists such as David Lynch (Rabbit), Paul Pfeiffer, Sean Quigley, Natasha Kahn, Joseph Kahlil, Dallas Green/City an Colour, and others.

My month-long exhibition History as Personal Memory in Victoria closed on March 12^th and it was an outstanding (in the sense of unusual) experience. Never have I shown more personal work before. I must say I was extremely stressed and nervous before my artist talk on February 16^th. I can say that the experience of talking about the work was more positive than I thought. The feedback I received to my talk was overwhelming and very supportive. As I said in my essay, I discovered that by articulating my memories in my work, by stating the facts aloud in my films and by writing the words that describe my trauma directly on my paintings, I realized I can take myself more seriously and that have gained more confidence. As I said in the response to my advisor meeting with Andrew, I yet need to discuss where the viewer is in all of this.

I am currently working on my project report / book History as Personal Memory and will hand in a first draft in the next few days.

Here are two new paintings I am currently working on

1.     Lieber Gott, wo bist du?

I am not sure about this one yet. In contrast to other paintings which I started with tar and then responded with text, this one started with text (with a really nice oil very black wood stove paint). It is hard to think about composition when the work is so ‘loaded’ with the meaning the piece has for me. I need to let this sit for a couple of weeks to decide.

2.     Sometimes the child is silenced by violence or a direct threat of murder

They are both 8 by 11.5 feet big

Tar, oil, acrylic, charcoal

Advisor meeting with Andrew Cooks, March 8th, 2018

Response to meeting with Andrew Cooks , March 8^th, 2018

I showed Andrew my two paintings I am working on currently. The question was, after I told Andrew about my back and forth process of schlepping the canvas from the garden to the studio, screwing it into the wall, responding with pastel and charcoal marks and texts and then taking it back to the yard, juxtaposing the process part and the intellectual part, if I cannot change that process? And then the big question, why black? It is the only choice I can think of at the moment, black, the absence of color, black the color of Tar, of the darkest dark, representing black dark memories. Anyways, I need to think more about that questions and address this also in my essay.

Andrew recommended me to read Michel Pastourreau’s BLACK , History of Color ( and I ordered it already and will have it next Tuesday).

One very good question for me was: could you make a painting that is a screen? Because in the past few months I had been playing with projecting onto the canvas (which was usually too dark or bringing images of my paintings into the film to bring the two mediums together). I will think about this more, also regarding a possible presentation in Berlin.

Again, we talked about the inconclusive conclusion that I am about to write, the essay/book is being written while I am still trying to find what I am learning and what all of this work is doing. The more work I do the more things I reveal – for myself!

Which brings us to the next point of our discussion: Andrew asked where the viewer/ the audience is in all my work? At the moment, my honest answer is that I don’t know, I find it hard to think about that ‘how the work is perceived’ part, I have been busy reading, researching, searching and creating and lately how I could possible ‘bring’ the work ‘out there’ that I haven’t thought about what I hope the work would do. But I will write and think about it, I promise…… Andrew’s comment was that the viewer needs space and I understand that! Just need to process it….. What is the work supposed to do? What do I want the viewer to take from the work?

As to the catalogue, Andrew had several comments, such as, for example, that I over rely on the text that I quote, that I should not treat those texts as authorities. I will go through all his comments he had and sent me as a pdf in the next days….(often too one dimensional, ‘I’ instead of ‘we’ etc)

We discussed the video, Andrew talked about claustrophobic images, is there a way I can imagine how I could present the work differently, other than the usual white box presentation? (How about 6 of my canvases create a box? One of the canvases is not as dark as the others and the video is projected on it?) My way to travel east to west, as a thought Andrew said it is going right to left, in writing that would be backwards, or opposite direction, etc. again will think about this more…..

Very good meeting, it is so good to discuss the paintings and the work, thank you for your feedback! 

Advisor meeting with Jean Marie, March 5th

My advisor meeting with Jean Marie on March 5^th, 2018

First we talked about the video that I had just reedited and we decided to let it sit until I have put together a draft for the second video. Once I have created that second video we will decide if it should be shown side by side to my History as Personal Memory video or if it is a separate film. I want to experiment with video further and with this new video would like to create a piece with many layers of images on top of each other representing my memories and German collective memory. One of the elements in this video would be text quotes by Foucault which I will be writing on actual film material during my video course. Then I would film my projected text and put those images on top of my film. I will hopefully be able to do that during the next two weeks in my video course.

Then we talked about my project report/catalogue, which Jean Marie encouraged me to call ‘book’ from now on. She said it ‘looks great’. We agreed that it has the guidelines of a thesis paper. I said that it would be hard to create a ‘formal’ format with a conclusion. What is the conclusion of coming out with sexual childhood experiences? And we agreed that I could write a paragraph, an ‘inconclusive’ conclusion, ‘how does one write a conclusion to this’.

We also discussed to let go of the ‘Meanwhile in LalaLand’ part.

Three weeks ago, I had made copies for the exhibition my video and paintings are currently shown. The gallery has asked for more copies and I think so far I have printed about 45 copies for the exhibition. Jean Marie suggested that I get it in print for the exhibition in Berlin. I think the most affordable way will be to have it printed in Berlin and distribute my book at the exhibition, as one means to disseminate my work. I will post a pdf of the updated book on my blog on March 15^th.

We discussed our common themes with Malvina and I told Jean Marie that Malvina and I will continue to discuss our work more intensively as of the beginning of April, when Malvina will have more new work that is relating to lost memories. Jean Marie suggested that one important theme between Malvina and me is mapping/ mapping the body/mapping history etc.

We agreed to meet again in about 4 – 6 weeks. I will try to send a first presentable draft of my new video in about 2 to 3 weeks.

Thank you Jean Marie for your time and your feedback to my work! It was great and very helpful to know what you thought about my writing. Thank you!

All the best for all your exhibitions.